Breaking the Cycle of Violence: A Systemic View

Edwina Van Der Westhuizen
Aug 31
3 min read

Most of us have heard of the cycle of violence: tension builds, an incident occurs, there’s reconciliation, then a calm period before it starts all over again. For those caught inside this cycle, it can feel impossible to break free.

But what we often don’t see is that this cycle rarely begins with just one relationship. More often, it is part of a much bigger story that stretches back through the family system.

The Hidden Roots of Abuse

In Family Constellations we see that patterns of abuse are rarely isolated. Violence, control, and silence are often handed down across generations.

A child who grows up walking on eggshells around a parent may later find themselves with a partner who feels eerily similar.
A parent who uses violence may once have been the terrified child in their own family.
Sometimes, whole generations are carrying unspoken histories of shame, betrayal, or exclusion, which then show up as abusive dynamics in the present.

At the heart of it is loyalty. Children especially will do almost anything to belong, even if it means normalising violence or keeping secrets that protect the family image.

Abuse Takes Many Forms

When we hear the word violence, most people picture bruises or broken bones. But abuse is not always physical. It can be subtle, hidden, and often minimised, yet the impact is deep and lasting.

Some examples include:

Emotional abuse: constant criticism, shaming, name-calling, or withholding affection.
Psychological abuse: manipulation, intimidation, threats, gaslighting, or making someone feel “crazy.”
Verbal abuse: yelling, degrading language, or persistent put-downs.
Financial abuse: controlling money, restricting access to resources, or sabotaging financial independence.
Spiritual abuse: using religion or beliefs to control, shame, or isolate someone.
Social abuse: isolating a person from friends, family, or community support.

All of these forms of abuse can create the same cycle of fear, control, and silence as physical violence and all can ripple through generations.

Why It’s So Hard to Leave

From the outside, it’s easy to ask, “Why don’t they just leave?” But belonging runs deeper than logic. To leave the abuser can feel on an unconscious level like leaving the family itself. For many, staying loyal to the cycle feels safer than facing the pain of exclusion.

This is why so many victims return, and why some perpetrators repeat what was once done to them. The cycle isn’t just personal, it’s systemic.

How Constellations Can Help

Family Constellations is not a substitute for crisis support or safety planning. But it can be a powerful complement, because it brings hidden patterns into the light.

In a constellation, we might see:

The silence that kept the violence hidden.
A victim giving back what was never theirs to carry.
A movement that honours the suffering of the past while allowing the present generation to live differently.

Even small moments of recognition like realising “This story began before me” can loosen the hold of the cycle. With awareness comes choice, and with choice comes the possibility of freedom.

Reflections for You

If this topic resonates, you might pause and gently ask yourself:

Did I witness cycles of tension and release in my own family?
Do I find myself drawn to relationships that echo these familiar patterns?
What would it feel like to imagine stepping outside the cycle, even just a little?

Remember, these reflections are not about blame, but about awareness.

A Final Word of Hope

Violence and abuse are devastating, but the cycle does not have to continue. When we bring the hidden dynamics of a system into the open, we create space for new movements: safety, dignity, and respect.

It’s important to remember: violence is always a choice. No matter what history has shaped someone, hurting another person is never inevitable, and the cycle can only shift when people take responsibility for their actions.

Family Constellations offers one pathway to see the bigger picture, to honour the truth of what has been, and to step toward a life that is no longer bound to the cycle of the past.

If You Need Support

If you or someone you know is experiencing violence or abuse, please know that you are not alone and help is available.

If you are in immediate danger, call 000 (police) straight away.
Safe Steps (24/7 Family Violence Response Line, Victoria): 1800 015 188
1800RESPECT (National Sexual Assault, Domestic and Family Violence Counselling Service): 1800 737 732
Lifeline (24/7 crisis support): 13 11 14
The Orange Door (Victoria’s family violence and support service): 1800 271 180