Why Balance Matters: The Third Principle of Family Constellations

Balance

In every relationship, there is a natural rhythm between giving and receiving. When this balance is respected, love and connection can grow. When it’s disrupted, things begin to unravel quietly at first, then often in ways we don’t expect.

In Family Constellations, this principle of giving and receiving is one of the foundational laws of relational harmony. It governs how energy flows between people, particularly in adult relationships such as couples, friends, siblings and colleagues. When the exchange is unequal over time, resentment, guilt, superiority or distance can quietly take root.

Too Much Giving Can Kill Love

This might sound strange, especially in a world that praises selflessness. But when one person gives too much in a relationship, whether it's time, love, effort or resources, and the other person can't give back in some way, the relationship becomes unbalanced. The person who receives too much may begin to feel overwhelmed, beholden or even ashamed. The giver may start to feel drained, unappreciated or unseen.

Bert Hellinger, the founder of Family Constellations, observed this deeply in couple relationships. He said, "In love relationships, balance must be maintained. If one gives more, the other must have the opportunity to give back. Otherwise, the relationship becomes strained."

This is why the healthiest partnerships look like a dance. Each person offers and receives in turn. The flow goes back and forth. This movement strengthens connection and builds trust.

The Parent-Child Dynamic Is Different

There is one relationship where this principle works differently. Between parents and children, the flow of giving and receiving moves in one direction only. From parent to child.

Parents give life, nurture and care. Children receive.

This is how it’s meant to be. But when a child is expected to give back emotionally, physically or energetically to a parent, the order becomes confused. The child may grow up carrying a sense of guilt, a need to over-give in future relationships, or a belief that love must be earned.

These children often become adults who say things like:

• “I owe my parents everything.”

• “I feel selfish putting myself first.”

• “I don’t feel right receiving help.”
  

In Family Constellations, we often restore this flow by supporting the client to take their place as the child and to say, in their own time and way:

“You gave me life. That is enough. I honour it by living fully.”

This simple statement can release years of guilt and unconscious burden. It brings peace without cutting connection.

Restoring Balance Brings Strength

When giving and receiving are balanced, love flows. Each person feels seen and valued. When the balance is off, something contracts. One side may feel they are carrying the other. The other may feel indebted or small.

This principle shows up in many ways:

• A friend who always gives but never allows support.

• A business partner who unconsciously gives to feel in control.

• A child who takes on a parent's grief or loneliness to try to help.

Through constellations, we bring these hidden patterns into awareness. We give people the opportunity to step out of roles they never chose, and to begin again. With more clarity. With more choice. With more freedom.