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Relationships are about relating


Relationships are about relating - to our self and to another. Our relationships have a dynamic of give and take to help keep the balance. 

When relationships shift in balance we can often spend a lot of time and energy trying to get back in balance. 


We first learn about relationships through our experience with our parents, this first relationship has a big impact on how we are in relationship. Unconsciously we seek in a partner what was unresolved in our childhood. 


A couple goes through many stages and phases and the transitions from one stage/phase to the other can often be the most difficult to manage. Also when we are seeking in our partner what we did not get in our childhood from our parents it can make for a difficult time in our relationship

Love between partners requires the renunciation of our first and most intimate love, our love as a child for our parents.

Only when a boy's attachment either loving or resentful -to his mother is resolved can he give himself fully to his partner and enter manhood. A girl's attachment to her father must also be resolved before she can give herself to her partner and be a woman.

Successful togetherness demands the sacrifice and transformation of our earliest child bond to our parents the boy to his mother and the girl to her father.

Extract from the book
Love's hidden Symmetry, what makes love work in relationships.
By: Bert Hellinger, Gunthard Weber & Hunter Beaumont

We get together on the basis of our similarities; we grow on the basis of our differences.

Virginia Satir

When we have not resolved these relationships with our parents, it can affect our ability to have or maintain our relationships as adults or our ability to be fully in our power as an individual in partnership. There are many hidden dynamics in relationships, If we recognise we still have unresolved issues with our parents, or maybe we don't recognise this but our relationships are non existent or strained- what can we do?

"Our family had fallen apart... Our daughter, whom we wrongly assumed was the cause of all the trauma in the family is addicted to alcohol and drugs and suffers major depression. I was consumed with anger, my son had moved away geographically with little contact and my husband had shut off emotionally. Following almost three decades of struggling, during which we consulted a number of psychiatrists, psychologists and counsellors, I met Edwina who introduced me to Family Constellations. After our first session with Edwina, my husband and I realised that the cause of our suffering went back further than just our daughter's addiction and we managed to clear some past trauma dating back to our parents and grandparents.
After almost thirty years our daughter has decided to seek rehabilitation. One session with Edwina has set her on a path to change. My husband is now more emotionally open towards me and our children and my anger has subsided. I accept that this is a gradual process but the results have been evident. Edwina is passionate about helping people and I highly recommend a constellation with her".

S.N (Vic)

How can a couples work help your children

Children are happy when their parents' love for them is also the parents' love for each other in the children. Children feel happiest/safe when they experience their parents as a couple, and in that situation, they find comfort and order.

With so many children experiencing their parents separate and the sometimes difficult situation as couples navigate

  • the break up,

  • the emotions

  • the hurt

  • the rebuilding

  • the new partners of their parents

  • maybe new children from the new relationship

Children can sometimes find it difficult to find their place in all of this. 

If one parents speak negatively about the other parent children can often build an unconscious loyalty to that parent who is being excluded or spoken about negatively. As they grow into adults they can unconsciously repeat patterns of the excluded parent as a way of connecting with them. 


This exclusion of a parent creates a conflict within the child as they exist because of both parents and when they are having to reject one parent they are rejecting part of themselves. 

If you have children under the age of 18 years you can do sessions on their behalf and look at any patterns that may be affecting your child. 


"I attended a Family Constellation workshop with Edwina. I wasn't really sure what it was all about, but I felt drawn to the work. I had a constellation done for my relationship with my daughter who was having a lot of mental health challenges and I was really struggling as a parent. The constellation was a revelation about how my daughter experienced life and our relationship. It allowed us to put things in the right order. As a result, I could see within two weeks a significant change in my daughter's wellbeing and in our relationship. It's been a couple of months since I did the constellation and things have continued to improve. I truly believe in the power of this work and am keen to have another Family Constellation done for other issues."


Orders of love


In loving relationships, there is an order of priority. First there is the love of a couple. That is the basis for a family, it refers to the first wife/husband and the first couple/ system. They come together and the result of their love is their children. The children are the fruits of the parents love, so they come second in priority.


The couple relationship has priority over parenthood. A man draws strength for fatherhood from his love for his partner. When he loves his children, he is also loving his partner in his children. A woman draws the strength for motherhood from the partner at her side. This works well if she loves her children by loving her partner in the children.

Children are happy when their parents' love for them is also the parents' love for each other in the children. Children feel happiest/safe when they experience their parents as a couple, and in that situation, they find comfort and order.

The love between a couple is not the only source of strength for being a parent: there is also the strength that comes from the parents' families of origin. Poor relationships often stem from poor connections with one or both parents or unfinished business with previous partners. Once this is cleared in a constellation you may be free to make new choices.

LBGTIQA + all inclusive couples

In same sex couples, there is an order of priority. First there is the love of a couple. That is the basis for a family, it refers to the first partner/partner and the first couple/ system. They come together  to share life, experiences, love. This relationship may or may not result in children, If it does not result in a child often the couple create a life where they share an experience, hobby, sport, job, pet  etc that becomes like their child, something they share, enjoy and grow together. 


If the relationship does result in a children, the child becomes the fruits of the parents love, so they come second in priority.  For same sex couples to result in a child there is the often a need for a third (person/parent donor, surrogate) This third person needs to be acknowledged in some way to honour their place in the creation of the child. There are different ways to do this and each case can often be different, yet if this third person is not acknowledged much like a child from a heterosexual couple the child can later be unconsciously draw to repeat patterns  or feel the exclusion of the missing person. 

"My partner and I recently had a relationship constellation with Edwina to help break a frustrating pattern of conflict that had been playing out between us. We uncovered that I had been holding onto suppressed grief and a fear of abandonment that was locking me into repeated negative behaviours that were affecting my relationship.

My mother passed away when I was fifteen. This left a gaping wound in our family that has never been spoken about, let alone addressed in any meaningful way. That was until last week. I had my first family constellation with Edwina and uncovered the trauma of my mother's passing that had been suppressed for the past 35 years. When I was physically held by the person representing my mother I sobbed and sobbed. This came as both a shock and a relief to me. I honestly thought I had grieved her passing but it was such a relief to finally feel the real grief that I had held in all this time. Going through this work was  enlightening and empowering. I didn't understand the extent to which the suppressed grief was affecting my relationship. Consequently, my self-confidence and self-assuredness has grown and I feel more secure in my relationship. Edwina is a brilliant facilitator who ensures everyone's emotional safety and who is also able to get to the heart of the issue. I urge everyone to do this work. I'll be back for sure".


Blended families

In blended family there is a lot to do with order of who came first. When 2nd or 3rd partners do not recognise, or honour previous partners and their place as coming before them it can cause tension in relationships. The same goes for children from previous relationships.

As a rule, a new partner must not become involved with things that concern the children of her partner's prior relationships. They have to communicate to them through the parent or communicate that their own partner are the right ones for them and that they are only the new partner. Then the children feel safe.

Couple package:

The couples package helps you work through the layers of your couple dynamic and reset and recreate how you relate to each other. 

Book the first session

Allow 2 hours for first session, 1 hour for remaining sessions

Couple reconnect and transform packages 

If your partner won't do the work then just do yours and book a session for you.
We can't change other people, so don't let that stop you doing the work to change yours and your families life. Book a session for you.  

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